Such a Sweeter Ending

I just found some old messages from my freshman roommate, Mary. It’s so hard to believe we were just 17 when we met and how far our friendship has come - I was so nervous to first message her on facebook, and now look at us - we’re still best friends. I love you, Mary Spagnola, and here is why:

Your first message to me:anna!!!

hey! so im working at a summer camp right now and i can never get on facebook!! it kinda stinks. im so excited were roommates next year is going to be alot of fun! what SOS’s are you doing? i cant decide!

I knew we’d get along because of all the exclamation marks you used :)

I love all the poems you’d write me - like this one I just found:

There once was a girl named Anna B
She was as friendly as can be
She’s my roommate
And I guess it was just fate
Because we get along
And enjoy playing ping pong
Were like two peas in a pod
And have a fish whose name isn’t Todd
His name is Alfred
Sometimes we think he is dead
But he’s just very boring
Just sits there all morning
Not at all like my dear friend
Who I think will be there till the end
We like to do crazy crafts
Im so glad our lives crossed paths
Shes the best roomie ive ever had
But sometimes I feel bad
Because instead of working hard
We make our boyfriends a card
But we always manage to have fun
No matter what is happening under the California sun.

Also I love our plans to marry off our siblings and be in the wedding…

The rumors that were spread about us/you were awesome and made for great bonding time:

so the newest thing i heard about me is that i really dont like my roomate anna.
apparently ive been lying to you and everyone else! who wouldve thought. i litterally laughed out loud when i heard that. if youre going to start a rumor, at least make it believable

LOVE YOU (and thats NOT a lie)

Can I just say that, Mary I LOVE your enthusiasm :)

I CANT WAIT TO SEE YOU!!!
and you can come over anytime! jsut text me when youre on your way!! AHH I CANT WAIITITITITITITITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT
also i discovered a really good new drink!

I also love your encouragement - you always know JUST what to say:

 i am so proud of you Anna Bolton. I have never met a stronger person. Or someone so trusting in God and knows so much about his sovereignty. You did the right thing even though it sucked and was so hard. I know that this will just make you stronger, i know that this will have a happy ending. but hearing that right now doesnt help does it? because youre still in pain and i know that. I love you so much anna and i wish there was a simple solution. but there isnt. I can however PROMISE you that i will be here for you no matter when you need me! i’ll sleep with my phone on the rest of the week until i see you. even if you just want someone to cry with i will be here. and then once you are in cali again i will just be a phone call away! I promise you will get through this. I can’t wait to see you! and HUG you! ive been wanting to hug you so much lately and i hate being so far!! call me if you need anything!!
LOVE love love you

You were so supportive of my scary decision to move home mid-semester too:

I’m going to miss you too Anna! 
Today church helped so much, and I know that everything will be great for BOTH of us and i know we will still talk all the time and be friends forever. You are in my prayers. I am very proud of you for leaving, I know its bittersweet, but I am so so proud of you. I know you looked to God to make this decision and I know it will be SO great. 
I cant wait to see you soon! you are the best 
Love you!

I’m so touched by the numerous texts and messages just like this one I’ve received from you over the years:

It’s almost 5 am and I can’t sleep just wanted to let u know I’m thinking of u and praying for u especially today love u my roomie and miss u

And then, of course, there’s all the boy advice/stories:

HAHAHA!!! Oh my gosh. I love you. Only you could accidently go on a date. whats his name? Ill fb stalk lol. What did he text you? Tell him that you are going hunting with your dad that night. That will make him be afraid of you and your dad! I really miss our help in texting guys too haha Im so helpless without you!

I am terrible at rejecting guys… . I’m probably not the most qualified to give you advice.
What you have is great! if you wanted to go with the hint thing you can always say something like Lets invite friends or is it okay if i invite a friend? or something.
but now that I think about it you should probably just do the opposite of everything I tell you. 
I think its really great that you don’t want to lead him on though.
Or just call him friend a lot. and capitalize it. hi FRIEND. thats a good one.
OR send him the video of us saying “I dont like you its black and white… and the same in color! I dont like you.”
wow. I am just filled with ideas. OR just show him the videos of us dancing in our footies and he wont want to date you anymore! i am brilliant. but seriously what you have is good. Its straight forward which is what guys obviously need.

Some guy in class slipped me his number and I stared at him and was like “uhh what are all these numbers” I am sooo clueless! And when I figured it out my face turned bright red

And the latest note from you - always making me smile :)

I miss you too. life is not nearly as fun without you PBTHing at me whenever i walk in the room. there is NO friend like you! Honestly, you are the best! love you!

I love you, Mary Spagnola!

I’ve only worked 3 shifts at my new job and already I have so many stories. Overall, it’s been such an enjoyable experience - though I’ve realized I need much better shoes for standing 8-10 hours straight… mine are no good. 

The part of my job that I really love (I work in the Fine Jewelry department of a JC Penney store) is being able to talk to customers and help them find the perfect piece of jewelry for whatever they’re looking for. Sometimes I’ll spend 5-10 minutes with a customer if they really know what they want - other times I’ll be helping someone for over an hour. 

Those over an hour ones are my favorites. They always always buy something, and if you spend that long with a customer you can get a really good feel of who they are as a person. I love it. :) I’m pretty sure talking to strangers is one of my favorite things ever. Ok that just sounded a little creepy… it’s not creepy. What I meant is that it’s interesting to talk to people you don’t know and probably won’t see again. 

I love hearing about people’s lives - and people share quite a bit with me. I’ve helped a couple women find jewelry they wanted to buy as a memorial of their mothers who both recently passed away. Both times they told me all about how their moms died, the last times they saw their moms, and all about the funeral arrangements. There have been several grandmothers who have come in wanting to buy their estranged grandchildren’s Christmas presents. They told me all about the family dynamics and how they became estranged. I’ve heard some pretty sad stories! 

Sometimes people just need someone to listen to them I think. That someone can even be the associate behind the counter at the Fine Jewelry department. Isn’t that kind of sad and kind of cool at the same time? I know some people are just chatty by nature, but I really think some people just have nobody else to listen to them. This is why: http://annakbolton.tumblr.com/post/6713746888/listening. (Obviously this is a big topic for me). “I don’t know why I’m telling you this” is a phrase I’ve certainly heard more than once since starting this new job. Makes me sad. 

I guess that’s it for today - gotta hit the books when I have the time! Life is crazy busy - I think I’m logging around 53 hours at the store this week. It’s probably the busiest week of the year for the store I think, hence all the hours. Thankful for a job, thankful for school. I’m also exhausted and even more thankful for my bed! ;) Till next time. 

It’s strange how places can have a hold on you. 

I began to ponder this concept this past week as I noticed that I have one of two experiences when I revisit an old “place” rich with memories. In certain cases, a huge smile will creep on my face and I’ll start to giggle - the location filling me with a warm and happy feeling. 

For example. Last week I was running some errands at Target - the one up North by the Alderwood mall. As I pulled into the parking lot I began to smile, then laugh and shake my head. An old memory, one I’d completely forgotten about, creeped up on me. Many years before I had come here with my best friend as we killed time before going to meet up with some new friends - one of which was a guy I really liked at the time. Nothing ever came of it, and I actually never see any of those people anymore, save my best friend. Looking back, knowing what I know now about those people and what life had in store for me at that point in time, I laugh. It was all so absurd. 

The other experience I have when revisiting an old area is a feeling of bitter-sweetness that envelopes and consumes me. Pretty dramatic, huh? I just don’t know any other way to describe it. I felt this last week in Yachats everywhere really, but one place in particular. I call it “my spot.” It’s this little cove amongst all the rocks at the “rocky beach” where the the waves come crashing through with particular vigor. If you sit right on the edge of the rocks and hang your legs over, you’ll get splashed as the waves break just below your feet.

I’ve shared this spot with a few people - sadly, some of whom I’ve since lost in one way or another. Returning is always so very bittersweet. I sat there and sobbed on the one year anniversary of the accident, remembering being right there with them just a few short years before. Secrets were shared there between a best friend and I, knowing no one would ever hear us over the roar of the ocean. I laughed and flirted there with an old boyfriend. Sitting there by myself this year ached. Bittersweet is just the only way to describe it. 

So what’s the difference between those memories, triggered by the vicinity you’re currently in, that makes you either want to laugh or cry? At what point do memories lose the bitter and are just sweet? Maybe it has to do with who you were with or what they meant to you… maybe it just has to do with time. Or are there some memories that will always make you ache just a little inside?

And then, I’ve just realized, there’s a third kind of reaction to a place and the memories it holds… utter embarrassment. I feel that so often, unfortunately. There are those places that just make you cringe every time you go because of what may have happened there in the past. 

I don’t think I’ll share any of those stories with you… I will say they usually have to do with a boy. Every time I visit those places I let out an audible cry of horror and shame, while burying my face in my hands. Yeah, it’s never difficult for others to read my emotions, and I’m sure you can see why! 

Maybe the memories fade into one another - from bittersweet, to embarrassing, to humorous. At any rater, I really am thankful for these places that bring back all these memories… ok except maybe for the embarrassing ones… those I’d be more than happy to forget!

Nothing compares, no worries or cares, regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made, who would have known how bittersweet this would taste? Adele

I love my family. 

This week/weekend my immediate family and Opa all went to Yachats to try and recuperate from our crazy end of summer. Yachats is our favorite place - so relaxing. A beautiful rocky beach is just at the end of the street, and the sandy one is just about a mile down the road. 

There’s a particular smell here when you walk into the cabin - not a bad smell. Just the smell of the house. Everytime I get a whiff of it, a huge smile creeps on my face. Memories of my favorite times in the world come flooding in - I’ve shared this place with almost all of my most precious people - family and friends alike. This place is magic to me. 

That isn’t to say that this place has always been a happy one - no no. It holds very sad an bittersweet memories for me too… Like the time we came right after the accident and before the funeral. All I did that week was cry on the couch and look through the guestbook for their signatures. Looks like history repeats itself. Last time I was here was with Oma. I miss her. 

Despite the sadness, my family has surely made me smile this week. Wednesday night we had dinner at Dale and Sheri’s - Nate and Nicole and their beautiful boys (who have captured my heart, by the way) came along with Katie and Travis (I can’t believe they’ve only been married a little over a year! Travis we’re so happy you’ve been added to our family!). Uncle Dale prepared a feast for us - grilled eggplant parmigiana over spaghetti along with several equally delicious side dishes. He can make me love foods that I have hated my entire life - such as eggplant. He works magic in a kitchen.  

I love dinners with this family - it’s always loud with conversation and laughter. I cherish every moment spent together. There was a particular moment during the evening that I loved. We were all heading out to the car to leave - I’m not sure how to describe this, but I just had to stop and stand still. It was cold out and smelled like winter… light flooded out of the open doorway and so many ”I love you!“‘s filled the air. Reminded me of that song - “Over the mountains and through the woods to Grandmother’s house we go…” Perhaps I make big moments out of little ones, but I loved that moment. Just felt so warm. 

The next morning it was just our family and Opa at the cabin. The kitchen, dining room, and living room are all in the same area - one big open space. We were all there - some of us eating, some of us reading - when we got started on a debate. Everyone took part in the conversation. We spent about 20 minutes arguing about something that we all agreed about in the end - it just took awhile to figure out what everyone was actually saying. Can I say it again? I love my family! The drive me absolutely insane, but I wouldn’t trade them for anything. 

“Be a best friend, tell the truth, and overuse ‘I love you’. Go to work and do your best, don’t outsmart your common sense. Never let your praying knees get lazy, and love like crazy…” Till next time!

How come my thoughts always run wild when I’m on a deadline for a paper?

I just feel the need to write and get my thoughts down on paper, yet they are hardly ever the correct thoughts for the assignment I actually have to get done… I love to write! Just not for English. If English grades consisted of journal entries or blog posts I’d be the happiest girl… unfortunately they are not. 

It’s a gorgeous day today. I’m sitting in my Tully’s coffee shop, looking out at one of the UW’s playing fields, just reminiscing. I have so many memories in this area… Grammy, Heather, and I used to walk by that field a couple times a week every week as we would head to the village for coffee and pastries. In more recent days, this is the coffee shop where I took Grandma every Friday morning this summer. I look up and I see our favorite table. 

She’s so cute - just like a little girl. She’d come in and every week head straight to “our” table. I’d bring the coffee over and she’d play with the straws (she always grabbed 4 or 5 for the two of us), drink half her coffee, and was then ready to walk home. I miss her. Haven’t been around much lately with everything that went on with Oma… 

It’s been a pretty rough year. In the last 12 months I’ve gone through a hard break-up, made a dramatic mid-semester move home from California for personal reasons, put down a favorite pet, spent countless hours in a hospital ICU ward, and lost one of my very best friends in the world - my dearest Oma. Yeah… it’s been rough. And I’m ready for a fresh start. 

Ok. Call me crazy. Or cheesy. Or whatever you will. But I was listening to Taylor Swift the other day, and some lyrics of hers really spoke to me… read on:

Time turns flames to embers, you’ll have new Septembers, everyone of us has messed up too. Lives change like the weather, I hope you remember, it’s never too late to be brand new…

So. This year I’m having my new year resolutions in September instead of in January. Shanna has informed me that this is a stupid idea, but it makes sense to me. This is a new year - my 21st year! And this is the start of my 21st year, so it’s ok that I start my new year’s resolutions now. So that’s what I’m doing. =) 

Funny anecdote before I close this post. The other morning, Shanna, my mom, and I were all in my mom’s bathroom/bedroom getting ready for the day. Shanna and I were talking about some of the boys in our lives currently - you know, like girls do - and all of a sudden my mother snaps. 

“Augh!!! Boys, boys boys, I’m SICK of boys!!!” she exclaimed. 

“It’s OK mom… you don’t have to date them…”

“But my daughters do! I would just really like it if you girls would become nuns. Just for a little while… till I recover.”

So Shanna and I, apparently, are going to become nuns for my mother. Till she recovers. What good daughters (biological and adopted) we are! Alrighty - till next time =)

…I can just look up and know the stars are holding you tonight” - FM Static

The memorial was beautiful - though I can hardly remember any of it.

I remember that last Thursday, September 22, at 7pm, my whole family (immediate and almost all of the extended too) sat in the Chapel outside of the Sanctuary where all our guests were waiting. Opa was extremely particular about who sat where and lining everyone up in the correct order before entering the Sanctuary. It made me giggle just a little… =)

I remember everyone who spoke… though I have no idea what anyone actually said. It was so surreal. I remember looking in Sarah’s purse at one point and smiling at the mass of crumpled tissues she stashed in it. 

I only cried once. During Mrs. Larson’s reading of my mom’s letter to Oma. It broke my heart. 

I remember being stressed beyond belief when the slideshow played. I had only spent 10 + hours on it the day before and was still trying to get it to work up until 5 minutes before the memorial actually started. Thankfully my dear friend Jerad was in the booth, though I didn’t know it at the time, and he made sure it all went smoothly. Thank you, Jerad!

I remember I wasn’t nervous at all to speak or sing. I loved standing up there, looking into the crowd of people, and being touched beyond belief at seeing all the familiar faces as well as the many more unfamiliar ones - Oma was so dearly loved and it’s precious to me that I got to see so many people who loved her and understood, to some extent, my family’s, as well as my own personal, loss. 

I remember making people laugh. At what I’m not sure. I remember feeling, as I was singing my song for Oma, that the song was going on forever. And I was loving every moment of it. I’m so thankful and so blessed that Opa wanted me to sing. Every line of that song, “I’ll fly away,” is just exactly what I wanted for Oma. I got to sing it for her before she died, and I got to play it at her memorial. No regrets. 

I remember some of the people I talked to at the reception. So many that I didn’t know introduced themselves and complimented me on my speech and my song. It touched me so much! I was touched by 1) Oma’s friends wanting to meet me and give me hugs, 2) that they enjoyed my tribute to her, and 3) the praises from people who wouldn’t say something nice unless they truly meant it. I was able to share a bit of my true self through my speech and my song and not only was I satisfied with how it payed tribute to my beautiful Oma, but I blessed others as well. I never want to forget that… I feel so much closure through it. No regrets. I can’t say that about every loved one I’ve lost. But with Oma I can. No regrets. 

I remember a few of the comments I got in particular. One woman I didn’t know (and still dont - she never introduced herself) came up to me with tears streaming down her face. “You blessed me so much!” she said, and that was all. Some comments were more entertaining. One old man came up to me practically shouting, “Hillsdale college!! Didn’t one of you go to Hillsdale college?” He barely gave me anytime to reply with, “yes my older sister did,” before he bellowed again, “Hillsdale college! Such a great school - I get their newsletters you know…” and then he walked away. No joke and no exaggeration there, that was literally our conversation! No mention of Oma or how sorry he was, how he knew her, or any anecdote about her life, just needed to talk to me about Hillsdale college! Entertained me thoroughly. 

My favorite comment of the whole night, however, was from my darling Aunt Deann. We walked out of the Sanctuary and to the reception together engulfed into each others arms the whole while. As we walked she choked out through her tears, “I want you to sing at my funeral but I want to be alive to hear it!!” It both touched my soul and made me laugh at the same time. I love you, Deann - I’m not totally sure how to grant that request, but I’ll be sure to sing for you whenever I see you and at your funeral too! That feels strange and morbid to say, but you know what I mean by it! 

I never want to forget the week after Oma’s death. It was unreal and horrible, but beautiful at the same time. I don’t want to forget spending that first night at Opa’s with him and Shanna - us all eating ice cream and watching TV together. I don’t want to forget all the evening meals that grew in size almost daily as more and more family came into town. I don’t want to forget getting pedicures with my mom, sisters, and aunts at Oma’s place - or that beautiful meal at Aunt Veona’s that followed. Though the viewing was horrible, I never want to forget the love and community you could feel in the room… or the moment when Lynnda inadvertently flung plastic into the coffin! An uproar of laughter erupted during which Aunt Nancy, though she could hardly speak due to laughing, tried to hush us so the funeral directors wouldn’t hear. And as we recounted the story later for Aunt Veona, she immediately responded with, “well did you wake her up?” I truly love my family, and I hold these past two weeks so very dear to me. Find joy in the pain. 

Thank you to everyone who made it out to the viewing, graveside, or memorial. It truly meant the world to all of us. Now the hard part, real life without our beloved, begins. 

Oma passed away yesterday, Tuesday September 13, 2011 at around 2:45 in the afternoon. Amazing Grace by Glenn Campbell was playing on iTunes, and her bed was surrounded with family. 

As awful as it was for all of us to watch our beloved one die, it was such a blessing as well. When I arrived at the hospital in the morning, my mom pulled me aside and informed me that Oma had made it very clear that she wanted “out.” I sat by her side and held her hand, with Opa holding her other one, and my mom emailing people and updating Oma’s Caring Bridge site. It was such a blessing to me that I got to be there and sit by her side before the rest of the family came. 

The day before I had some precious time alone with Oma. She had been moaning all morning - she just looked like she was dying. My mom and I were waiting in her room before the rest of the family came and we had the meeting with Oma’s doctors regarding taking her off her life support. Mom needed a break, so she went to get food while I sat by Oma’s bed, just stroking her hand. As I sat I reflected on two things. The first thing I thought of was how thankful I was that throughout Oma’s entire stay at downtown Swedish, she was never alone for more than a few minutes. So many other patients on the floor were alone the majority of the day - all Oma’s nurses and doctors never failed to comment on just how much her family must love her because somebody was always there (most often my mom and Opa). The second thing that ran through my mind was just how much pain Oma must be in to want to die. My Oma was a strong woman. My whole life I had never seen her cry. This last month and a half all I’d seen was her writhing in pain - both physical and emotional pain.

As I reflected on these things, I held Oma’s hand with my left, and wrote with my right. This is what came out…

In this room full of love I’ll sit by your side

And sing you songs of above

You feel your pain will never end 

So I’ll sit here and just hold your hand

And will you to where “this too shall pass”

In this room full of love, 768 East,

We will send you to 

Your blessed Savior to meet

He’ll greet you on the other shore

Along with those you have loved before

And in this room full of love 

We will weep at our loss and mourn for our lives 

Which are forever changed

But our tears will also be filled with joy

Because you are Home where you will suffer no more

When I wrote this I didn’t realize just how true it would become. As the nurse was preparing the morphine drip before they took Oma off the bipap, I sat next to her, held her hand, and sang bits of the different hymns that were running through my mind. Then as we surrounded her in the final minutes of her life, we encouraged her, as the nurse suggested we do, that it was ok to let go. We talked about who would be waiting for her in Heaven. And as we realized that she had gone, we dissolved into tears, each person holding onto and comforting the one next to them. We held hands in a circle and said the Lord’s Prayer. Oma’s pastors arrived shortly after and said a prayer for Oma and for the rest of us and we rejoiced that she is no longer in pain. “Uncle Andy can teach her how to dance now!” somebody said. 

We have no regrets regarding Oma’s passing. We know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it’s what she wanted. Her doctors were fully supportive and on board with our decision. After it was all over, Oma’s nurse yesterday (who had been invaluable to my mom and Opa), Mo, told us with tears streaming down her face, “you absolutely did the right thing.” We were able to laugh and reminisce when Oma was on the morphine drip, and then tell her how much we loved her and would miss her after her mask was off. No regrets. 

It’s so strange to not be at the hospital anymore. Apparently there is a world outside of it. And how strange that it doesn’t stop just because ours has. 

Thank you everyone for the love and support.

So I went out to dinner with my mother tonight

… and was so very glad I wasn’t on a date.

Man, with dating you just have to try so hard. You can’t just reach your hand in your glass (when your drink is finished) to fish the cherry out from beneath all the ice… apparently that’s just not polite. Moms don’t care about that sort of thing though. 

Not very many restaurants put cherries in their drinks anymore… which is kinda a bummer. I got a little excited about it, and decided to try to tie a knot in the cherry stem with my tongue.

You know how all the sexy girls in movies can do that? They just pop the cherry stem in their mouth and then take it out with a knot tied and look all cool and confident and stuff… well. I’m not like that. I tried to do it and my mom burst out laughing across the table from me. Apparently my face was contorting with very unattractive and comical expressions…

“I can’t even look at you anymore!” my mother cried in the midst of her laughing fit. 

Hanging my head and sighing in defeat, I took the stem out of my mouth and then looked at my mom. 

“There isn’t a sexy gene in this family, is there?” I asked. 

“Nope” my mother, still laughing, replied. 

Another heavy sigh. Yes, yes. 

Any sexy (whoops! my mom informed me I can’t say that word till I’m married… ;])gene that was ever in this family definitely passed me by in lieu of the more comical ones. I think I got those genes from Opa… you know, the loud and rather “bull in a china shop” at times genes. 

Plus we Neuschwanders tend to dress up ridiculously at times - just to get a laugh ;) 

Well I embrace those comical genes! They have come in handy lately at home and at the hospital where things have been a little depressing, to say the least. 

My family, particularly my mother and I, are not what you would call “golden people.” You know, the people who live in hair commercials and look perfect all the time. We are, instead, the kind of people who snort when we laugh, get the punch line way too late, and trip going UP the stairs. 

And I love that about us. Because we, through lifetimes of NOT being golden people, have learned to laugh at ourselves and find the humor in our, at times, slightly undignified selves. 

I’ve cherished the quality time my mom and I have been able to spend together the last two weeks - even though it meant giving up our vacation with the rest of our family. We are two peas in a pod.

Now rounding off our last evening together with a Bridget Jones marathon - someone who we, unfortunately, can relate to a little too much at times! ;)